Can You Tell That This Email is a Thinly Veiled F*ck-You?

Congratulations, you're jaded!

Only those who have suffered the indignity of shivering on the empty late-night streets of midtown, a redwell full of fresh-from-the-printer documents held close to the chest as the only source of heat, brought along more to assuage the anxiety of leaving the office "earlier than usual" than to be completed at home, waiting for a Town Car for so long that the car number has been forgotten, and when three show up all at once, opening the door of each car and being greeted by strong wafts of aftershave, street food, or worse, and timidly, almost tenderly, stating your last name with a hopeful upwards intonation --only this echelon of fine wasted potential will be able to read between the lines of a placid, prosaic farewell email such as the one below, and see the fiery five-hour-energy-red rage beneath the text, lurking in arial's curves and hiding behind those fine times new roman serifs.

HERE is the real email with only the parts that were typed aloud:


From: XXXX
Sent: Friday, XXXX, 2005 1:28 PM
To: All NY
Subject: My Departure

Today is my last day at XXXX. As of January 2, I will be an associate in the XXXX practice at XXXX.  My time here has been brief but memorable. I have learned so much and feel privileged to have worked beside so many wonderful and intelligent people.  The friends I have made and the colleagues I have learned from have made my experience here both meaningful and enjoyable.

Best wishes for a safe and happy new year,

XXXX

Please keep in touch.

XXXX@hotmail.com

__________________________________________________________________________

HERE is the email with the parts that were typed in our writer's head added in blue:

From: XXXX

Sent: Friday, XXXX, 2005 1:28 PM

To: All NY

Subject: My Departure, Y'All!

Today is my last f*cking day at XXXX.  As of January 2 (You know what this means, right?  It means I get to have a real holiday, the kind that the poor people on the subway have... without Blackberrys.  God, I'm jealous of my immediate-future-self just thinking about it!), I will be an associate in the XXXX practice at XXXX.  That's right, I left this associateship for another associateship.  I hope you feel as betrayed and confused as that time my boyfriend dumped me for a girl that looked and sounded and behaved exactly like me.  That is a special kind of hurt that screws with your head a lot more than if he had left me for a lingerie model, and today, I bestow this special type of hurt unto you.  Good-bye --remember, you'll always be my first and no one can take that away from us.  

My time here has been brief but memorable.  The cause of the brevity of that time also happens to be the cause of its memorableness.  I have learned so much (about Seamless Web) and feel privileged to have worked beside so many wonderful and intelligent people.  I'm talking about the architecture firm next door.  The friends I have made (are not even half as fun as that night I had to manually velobind thirty sets of shareholder agreements because the velobinding machine broke down and the nightshift paralegal intimidated me too much to ask for his help) and the colleagues I have learned (about bi-polar disorder at the workplace) from have made my experience here both meaningful and enjoyable.  I've always wanted my first child to be a boy, and my last word to you as*holes to be a lie.  

Best wishes for a safe (see rider for exceptions) and happy new year (id.).

XXXX

Please keep in touch.

XXXX@hotmail.com  (I don't have a Hotmail account.)