The TMI Government Lawyer

Today we have a letter from a lawyer at a government agency.  Let's evaluate it using the six criteria for effective Last Day Emails as demonstrated by the Pulitzer winning journalist, Dan Neil.

Six Do's for a Last Day Email

1. Inclusive opening salvo
2. Morale boost
3. Personal story
4. Common enemy
5. The happy ending
6. The triple axel sign off

Ok, now let's read:

From: XXXX
Sent: Thursday, November 04, 2010 7:18 AM
Subject: Bittersweet Farewell

Well, the time has come for me to say goodbye.

Instead of starting his email with the customary salutation, our writer leads boldly into the body of his email with an intimate "Well." How f*cking sexy is that? It's like when you order a drink at a quiet bar, and the bartender unexpectedly leans in all the way until his lips are practically touch your ear, and whispers, "That will be fifteen dollars." This guy's got balls!

LDE SCORE: The writer's non-traditional approach is worth the risk. Starting a last day email with "Well," makes everyone who receives the email feel included in a particularly intimate way. Inclusive Opening Salvo WIN.

Mini-Golf vs. Running for Congress, the Age-long Debate

From: XXXX

Sent: 04/09/2010 03:54 PM ADT

To: XXXX
Subject: Leaving XXXX today to run for U.S. House of Representatives

Dear all

Today is my last at the great institution XXXX. The journey over the past three years from associate to engagement manager has truly been a fantastic one. Not only because of the opportunity for senior client interaction, the real impact drive each study, or even the difficult problems we relish solving. No. The real strength of XXXX, what I will miss most, is you. No other organization contains individuals with the depth of knowledge, breadth of experience, and genuine concern for the world as XXXX.

Only at XXXX can we merge two business schools in the morning, discuss black hole information theory over lunch, save a bank $200 million in the afternoon, debate the geopolitics of the middle east at dinner, and still have time for glow in the dark mini-golf in the evening.

But as I have watched events unfold on the national stage, I began to worry. In just the past few weeks we've seen the chance for smart and targeted banking regulation evaporate, watched bond markets decide Berkshire Hathaway is less risky than US Treasuries, and witnessed democrats and republicans squander an opportunity for real reform in the health care industry.

Given congress's unwillingness to effect the necessary change, I have decided that I can no longer remain on the sidelines as our government spirals toward bankruptcy. The economic and fiscal state of the government is too precarious for allow ideology to drive policy. Washington needs to start using a fact based approach, a XXXX approach, to solve the problems facing our nation. We need smarter government. Thinking through the options, I have come to believe my greatest opportunity for impact lays inside the legislature itself.

To drive smart change, I have decided to run for US Congress from New York's 14th congressional district on the Republican ticket and am resigning from XXXX effective today.

Finally, I want to thank those who have helped mentor me along my journey at XXXX. In particular, I want to thank XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, and XXXX for their invaluable help over the years—and of course XXXX and the visual production team in New York without whose help I would have never made “client ready” decks.

If you know anyone who might want to join or assist in anyway, please have them contact me.  My permanent email is XXXX.  I can also be contacted on my cell at XXXX. You can view the beta version of my website at  (please note it is not fully operational yet).  I wish you all the best and hope to stay in contact!

Respectfully,

XXXX

P.S., Please forward this email to anyone I missed!

_____________________________________________________________________________

The "+":

• Don't forget the goldfish, Jerry.
• I once had a Japanese rice-cooker descaling detergent called "Greatest Opportunity for Impact."

The "-":

• "Helped mentor" is unnecessarily redundant.
• This deck is not client ready.
• The first 30 seconds of your campaign video is kind of creepy.

From a Fancy Pants School to a No Pants School, with a Pit-stop in Law & Politics

January 2007


The other day I found myself zoning out, entranced by the footage of two men making sweet kisses on eachothers' manholes, lovingly reflecting on my time at XXXX Entertainment.  Would this really be the end of such daily absurdities in my life ... the end of the extraordinary and profane setting the backdrop for my everyday work?  Maybe, as I've taken an editor job with a major media (non-adult) company.  My adventures in gay porn have come to an end and it's time to focus on the next big thing, working towards my goals as a comedy writer.  

In my time at XXXX, I learned so much about people, business, and life.  Waspy seeming folks like myself from fancy pants schools (and I'm certainly not saying that I'm only one with such a background in the biz) for the most part stay away from the adult biz (at least from working in it- as we all know most of these folks are consumers or enjoyers of the smut).  Taking this job was a risk, and only if I had a little more fear and a little less faith in myself, I wouldn't have worked here.  I'm "me" no matter where I go.  Working in the adult industry exposed me to far less grotesque and dishonest situations than my time in law and politics.    The honesty and brash unapologetic nature of the business are perhaps its greatest virtue.

I certainly do not advocate the adult business as a whole, it's just that my experience here knocked a lot of our society's conservative, judgmental success valuations on their ass.  We are a culture dominated by GPAs, standardized testing, and a culture that encourages working at shitty places you don't want to work at just to boost your resume.  The economy has a very strong ability to douchbagify otherwise good people- people whose motivations become tainted by absurd ideals, in a society where it seems half the country is going to law school for no other reason than aimless ambition.  After all, this is a society where people pay money for absolutely terrible looking logo emblazoned Louis Vuitton bags.

In my last words as XXXX Entertainment's Publicity Director, I hope the press comes to embrace XXXX as the star he deserves to be.  There is no one on Earth quite like him.  XXXX is one of the few people in the world with a truly unique perspective and fresh, original world view.

I don't and never will agree with everything that XXXX has to say nor agree with the things he does.  But there's not a person alive who I could endorse 100 percent, not even myself.  After all, to err is human.  And yes, as his famous reputation suggests, XXXX is an asshole.  But for every ounce of motherfucker in XXXX is an equally delightful ounce waiting to be discovered.  He's one of the strongest, most outspoken members of the gay community, and one of the most tasteful, progressive, and artful producers of erotic entertainment.  His advances in adult film will do more to influence the quality and arguably the atmosphere of the adult industry than anything that's happened since the invention of the DVD.  Just watch XXXX and you'll see what I mean.

And if you're wondering why I'm going on and on like this, well ... there's really enough to fill a book, so I've been writing one.  Keep an eye out for "The Devil Wears Magnums" (the Heather Reznor story) at a Barnes and Noble near you.

All future XXXX matters should be directed to XXX (who I hand selected for his delightfulness and skill) or XXXX (who also kicks ass).  XXXX@XXXX.COM

PS- My real name is XXXX, and you can keep up with me on my personal site, XXXX.com. 


___________________________________________________________________________
The "+":

• An opus to nopuss.
• An endorsement to indoorsmen.
• Visit her personal site here.

The "-":

• Makes me feel lame in comparison.
• I would feel closer to you if you had said that the amount of motherfuckness in your boss moderately outweighed the amount of delight in your boss.

From the Private Sphere to the Public Sphere, with a Heavy Heart

From: XXXXX
Sent: Friday, September 18, 2009 5:29 PM
To: ALL
Subject: Farewell


It is with a heavy heart that I say goodbye to my friends and colleagues here at XXXX. I feel fortunate to have had the opportunity to practice with and learn from such skilled and dedicated attorneys, and it has been a pleasure to work with such talented staff members. I am particularly grateful for all of the close friendships that I have made during my two years here, and I trust that we will stay in touch despite my departure.


Beginning next Monday, I will be joining the Office of the Federal Defender for the Eastern District of XXXX. While I look forward to the challenges ahead, I know that I will miss my time here and remember it fondly.


My permanent email address is XXXX, and my phone number will remain the same: XXXX. Please keep in touch.


Best,
XXXX

___________________________________________________________________________
The "+":

• Balances touchy-feely phrases ("heavy heart," "remember it fondly") with concise, matter-of-fact reporting.

The "-":

• Yeah yeah yeah, ok, so you did it.  You know what I mean.  You did it.  It.  What we all said we were going to do.  What we swore we were going to do.  To our social worker friends, to creative types in hipster bars, to job interviewers who had earned their stripes in the public sphere, to our pale and flabby gut as it hung over our toes, kindly blocking our view of the scale, to ourselves when we didn't do pro bono in 2006 (like, literally none).  Obviously, we didn't do It and somehow you defied the odds and did It.  So fine, good-luck, go ahead, get redeemed or whatever.  Just... can you just, at least, I don't know... stay kind of flabby and sun-starved, for at least a little while longer?